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Wish Upon a Penis
"Wish Upon a Penis" is the 1st episode of Once Upon a Penis. Summary When Rena Charming, a troubled young man who has been teased his whole life, finds himself in a strange new world, surrounded by tweaked versions of his beloved fairytale characters, he has to adjust to a strange new life and an even stranger new purpose: that of saving the realm from an impending deadly curse. Plot 'Teaser' "A dream... is a wish... your heart makes..." The night is silent. Utterly, utterly silent, and oddly enough, for around that time, usually, all the crickets in the land are heard chirping. No birds, no leaves dancing in the wind, nothing appears to be making a single sound that night, except for her. She breaks the silence with her sad, sad singing and her footsteps as she walks along the marble-paved patio of her lovely palace. Her glass shoes make a characteristic sound as they tap on the floor. She rests her gloved hands on the railing of the patio and looks up at the biggest, shiniest star in the sky. Behind her stands the palace, blue and beautiful, majestic, one she had longed to live in her whole life. Alison is beautiful herself, oh so beautiful, with her long blonde hair used up, her juicy pink lips, her twinkling blue eyes and her elegant figure. She had been elegant all the while, even as they made her scrub the floors wearing rags. They made her sleep on a bed of cinders and called her Cinderali because of it. But she had triumphed: she was a princess now. A desperate one... "I wish..." she says. And doesn't finish her sentence. The tears stream down her face. "Why bother?..." She walks away, glass slippers tapping the floor. And she doesn't notice it when the star she had admired starts to burn brighter. As though it is growing in size, or approaching the earth. The lovely princess enters the palace and retreats to her bedroom, to dry her tears on her pillow, and doesn't hear the agonizing screams of the young man that appears in the sky when the star implodes. It all happens very, very quickly, but somehow, for him, it feels as though it lasts for an eternity of pain. He wakes up in the sky and immediately starts to fall down, his body hitting a thick branch on an enormous tree, and then rolling down said branch and hitting nearly every arm of the tree until he finally makes it to the ground below. He pants and squeals with pain as he lies over the grass, completely naked, bruised and scratched all over. His entire body hurts, his entire awareness is muddled up. He could be a handsome young man if he wasn't so disfigured now from the impacts. Dark-haired and dark-skinned, with shining green eyes... and that... penis. In the distance, he can see the blue palace. Stunned - but barely aware - he says a few muttered words with what little strength and consciousness he has left. "I wish..." And then he passes out. ONCE UPON A PENIS 'Act I' In a flashback, a young boy, aged 11, is reading from an old fairytale compilation book, sitting on his couch, in his living room, turning every page with a gleam in his eyes. And it is precisely because of his piercing green eyes - and, of course, the rest of his appearance - that we can tell he is the same young man who showed up naked in the woods, elsewhere. The boy finishes the tale of "Cinderella" and moves on to the story of "Pinocchio", when his father, a man of ill repute, walks into the room. Upon noticing what his son is doing, the insults and taunts start spewing from his drunken mouth instantly. "You're reading that shit book again?! Huh?! You reading about fairies and princesses again you faggot?!" The young boy starts crying. He closes the book, having been mocked about this endlessly before, but never ceasing to reach out to that compilation anytime he needs a boost, anytime he needs to believe in even the slightest possibility that he himself might get a happy ending. "I don't deserve this," the drunk says, "I don't deserve to have a little pussy for a son!! I wanted a normal boy, the kind that goes out and plays football and doesn't stay at home reading about fucking Cinderella going to the fucking prom!! I should cut out that weird dick of yours and make you a girl officially!" "And I wanted a dad who wasn't a drunk!" the tearful young boy stands up and tells him. His father, Joel Charming, who really did not live up to his name, looks infuriated. "What did you just say to me?..." The boy tries to hold back his tears and says, "I wish you'd died instead of mommy..." Mr. Charming lunges himself at his young son. And starts beating him mercilessly. All that the young man can do is curl up and cower on the floor as his father swings his closed fist towards his gentle face. Morning breaks in the woods of the Fairy Tale Land. Another day has begun, and to the young man lying naked on the grass under the large tree which he had hit - repeatedly - it was his first day in that land. In that dimension. The man wakes up, regains consciousness, and tries his very best to sit up. He can see that he is stark naked, which makes him feel uncomfortable. He had never been very comfortable naked, and now he was exposed like that in an open space. His entire body is bruised and scratched. He tries standing up, leaning against the thick trunk of the tree, and his legs shake something fierce, but he overcomes that within a few minutes. He tries walking and is able to, but doesn't go very far just yet, out of fear someone might see him as he came into the world. His world. And, well, this one too. He tries to remember what happened... he had found his fairytale book, the one he always read as a child. He wished for things to be different, for him to get his happy ending. And then... boom? Something odd happened. He was enveloped by a bright light and then it is as though he lost his senses for a nanosecond. Then he popped up in the night sky somewhere. And now he had no idea where he was. He feels desperate to make sense of things, but first things first: he needs to cover himself somehow. He turns to the lowest branches of the large tree and starts to collect some leaves. Elsewhere, the gracious princess who wished upon a star sits in her main chamber, surrounded by her loyal ladies-in-waiting, who tend to her every want and need. She is seen sitting at the boudoir, looking at her reflection in the mirror, but not assimilating anything. Her eyes are glassy, her mind adrift. All she can think about is how disgraced and heartbroken she is. To the point that she forgets she's also very beautiful. Her trail of thought is then interrupted by an annoying female voice that breaks the silence, "Yoo hoo sweetie where is you?" Blow White, Cinderali's "best friend" (debatable) enters the chamber, looking to gossip. She has hair as dark as ebony, lips as red as the rose, and a pearly-white skin. And black mannerisms. "Honey boo boo I gots some news for you so juicy you gon' die. You know Whorora? That bitch that done got herself into an alcoholic coma? Well she just woke up cos Prince Barfing gave her true love's kiss... right in the pussy. Like oh mah gaw!" Ali stands up and tells her that's nice, rather nonchalantly, and Blow asks her if she's okay. Ali nods affirmatively, but her eyes say otherwise. "Bitch is you still thinking about that loser that dumped you?" "You mean my husband?" Ali asks, "Yes, yes I am." "Boo hoo, who gives a moo? Girl you know what we need? We needs to get wasted and pork some peasants. Like them good ole times." Ali tells her friend that she is nowhere near ready to go out and have fun, for her heart is still broken. She leaves the chambers, telling her subjects that she wishes to go for a ride in the royal carriage to get her mind off of things. Blow looks genuinely concerned as she watches her only friend fighting back the tears. And then she practically shouts, "Shotgun!!" Back in the woods, the naked young man is trying desperately to wrap several leaves around his exposed waist. He has collected some tall grass leaves and attempted to wrap the tree ones together with them and fashion a skirt of sorts, any sort of cover-up, but he is failing miserably, and naturally so. His attention is caught and he gets a chill down his spine when he hears a squealing giggle that seems to echo. He looks around nervously, finding nothing to be seen. The giggling, almost childlike, is heard again. The young man drops his leaves and covers up his private area with one hand as he looks around again, practically twirling around himself, trying to find the source of the strange sound. "Who is there? Show yourself! But don't, I'm naked!" "Hello dearie!" The man turns and is horrified to find a scaly, rather monstrous, midgety man sitting on one of the lower branches of the large tree. "What the...?" "You're never gonna be able to get dressed with nothing but leaves. Don't you find that whole idea rather hopeless?" The man talks in a strange high-pitched tone that comes across as unnatural but also effortless. "Who are you?" the man asks, "What are you?!" "Me first," the creature says, "Oh but wait. I need not to ask you who you are, I know all too well! You are Rena Charming. Lovely name, truly." The beast giggles again. Rena, the naked young man, asks him how he knows that. "I know all! I see all! I hear all! I feel all! I... what are the other senses? Never mind that! Just know that I know who you are, and how you got here, and why you came, and what you're capable of." Rena asks him how he can know that if he doesn't know the answers to most of those questions himself. "Because..." the creature says, "I brought you here." Rena is confused. "Oh we're going to have some fun dearie!!" the monster midget says, before disappearing in a cloud of grey smoke as he chuckles maniacally. Rena is terrified. Elsewhere, an elderly woman is seen putting her clean laundry out to dry. She has white hair, reading glasses that have become permanent glasses and which are leashed, and a stern look on her face. The years have made her rough. And even though everyone in the whole village knows her as Granny Fanny and addresses her as such, she isn't the grandmother-esque figure one would expect a woman of that age and overall figure to be. She is mean-spirited, tough, vengeful and filled with hatred. But at that moment she is mostly just an old lady airing out her laundry, completely oblivious to the large yellow eyes that watch her from behind the bushes and trees surrounding her property. She has a large basket filled with clothes and sheets that she has brought out with her, and she has left a warm and delicious minced meat pie cooling on the windowsill. And it is precisely the aroma of that magnificent pie that has drawn the attention of the beast lurking in the bushes, which hasn't eaten properly in days. The tall white animal moves behind a tree, trying to get closer to the house and to that sweet, tasty pie. He needs meat in him. He knows the risks of trying to steal from the woman. But the possibility of being successful drives him, for what it implicates: first, the filling of his stomach; and secondly, driving the horrid old woman mad. Too tempting to pass on. He sneaks past the occupied woman, walking on the tips of his toes, getting nearer and nearer to the house. And he makes it to the kitchen window. He extends his arms to grab the pie and then... he hears her voice, although her back is turned to him, as she says, "You think I can't smell you there, you animal?" He knows he's done for. He quickly tries to make a run for it but the old woman turns around, looking enraged, and asking him, as she dashes over to him with surprising mobility, "How dare you keep coming back here after what you did?!" The large Dog trips on a rock as he tries to run and the old lady puts herself over him and starts hitting him repeatedly with both of her fists. The Dog manages to kick her away and stand up, and when he does he promptly roars wildly at her, but she grabs a nearby broomstick and shoves the broom end inside his mouth, making him choke. She then takes out a knife from inside her right boot, and the Dog spits the broom out, knocks her over the head with it, and runs away, frightened. "I will get you, you dumb dog!!" he hears her yelling, "I'm going to skin you alive!!" The large Dog's grunts and panting noises follow him as he runs quickly through the woods on only two legs, making his way through the bushes and branches, never looking back. His heart beats rapidly. And then he stumbles upon the naked man and they both gasp with surprise. "Holy!!!... Penis..." The Dog is stupefied as he looks at the naked young man before him, and the strange... instrument he carries with him. "What the fuck...?" The Dog is truly surprised. He has seen many a human penis in his life - having served as a family pet for several years in his early existence - but never one that looked like that. All twisted and bendy... like a corkscrew. "W-who... what are you?" Rena asks him. Man and Dog just look at each other, each of them completely puzzled. 'Act II' It truly is a sight to be seen: a naked adult male with the oddest-looking penis in all the realms, and a large white dog walking on two legs, that can also talk. The two bizarre figures admire each other, and they both ask, in unison, who the other one is. They both remain silent for a few seconds after this mutual exchange, and just stare at each other. And whereas the big dog is mostly confused, Rena is on the brink of horror, staring at the hairy creature that stands and talks. "A-are you a monster?" he asks. The Dog chuckles. And then he says, "Yeah. Boo." Rena shivers. The dog then goes on to claim that he is kidding, he's not a monster, just a dog. Rena says he's never met a dog as big as him, who could walk on two legs and talk. "What world are you from?" the Dog asks, a question that puzzles Rena. "W-world?" "Yeah." "I... I don't know, I'm just... from planet Earth." "Yeah, but where?" Rena doesn't know what to say. "You weren't born in this land, were you? You came here through magic." Rena remembers the light that took him from where he was to where he is, and the realization that he has apparently crossed realms somehow starts to dawn on him. "If you never saw a talking animal... you can't be from this world. Are you... from a land without magic?" Rena nods affirmatively, as he covers his genitalia. "I... there's no magic where I come from. And talking animals, they... they only exist in fables and fairytales." The Dog chuckles again. "Well, then... welcome to Fairy Tale Land," he says. Rena doesn't know what to make of this. The royal carriage, that resembles a large blue pumpkin, makes its way through the bumpy roads surrounding the princess' castle. As the carriage bounces up and down and Cinderali's line of thinking is constantly interrupted by this, she grows annoyed and frustrated. She hopes to marvel at the sights of the Embiggened Forest, but keeps getting distracted by both the ridged road and her painful memories. Riding shotgun with the coachman is Blow White, who keeps petting the man's legs and talking dirty to him, like only she knows how to. "Coach me in cocksucking," she asks him, as the pearly-white princess lowers her head and proceeds to perform the tender act of fellatio on the commoner. Ali hears their sounds as she rides alone inside the pumpkin and becomes disgusted. Unbeknownst to the passengers of the royal carriage, they are about to make new acquaintances. Lurking in the bushes in an area up ahead are man and dog, with the latter telling the former that he needs clothes, he can't just wander around the woods stark naked, especially when his ding-a-ling is so strange. Rena feels self-conscious, but he tries to shake it off, and asks what the Dog intends to do about that. Behind them, a small lake can be seen, that is probably only about fifteen inches deep. Without saying anything, the Dog suddenly pushes the naked man into the lake. "What the fuck?!" Rena says as he tries to get to his feet. The Dog shushes him, and jumps onto the middle of the road, just in front of the carriage. The coachman is alarmed and commands the non-personified horses to stop. Blow White chokes when the coachman finishes, and she spits the juice of life out and steps down from the seat, asking what the meaning of this is. Cinderali lets herself out of the pumpkin as the Dog alarmingly tells them that his friend and owner, the Marquis of Cuntabas, has had his clothes stolen by a gang of robbers. Blow White says, "Must have been that lowlife, Robin Hooch, and his gang of Fairy Men." Ali looks at the naked man sitting on his butt inside the shallow lake, and she is captivated by his good looks and alluring physique, almost not acknowledging his bruises and wounds. When she does, she finally says, "Oh, my poor man, what have they done to you?" Blow White shows up behind her and whispers in her ear, "Dibs..." The man asks them if they could perchance get him some clothes. Ali smiles and says they can, and requests that the nobleman join them in their carriage. Rena stands up, embarrassed, covering his privates, and Blow and Ali are both rather delighted as they look at him. "Come with us," Ali says, "I shall take you in at my palace. His Majesty has left a wide array of clothes behind, I am sure you will be able to find something that suits you nicely. In the meantime, you can wipe yourself clean with my dear friend Blow White's red cape." "Yes, of course," Blow immediately agrees as she removes her characteristic red cape from behind her back, "Dry yourself on this, dry... everything." She hands it to him. "Thank you. And... His Majesty?" he asks, facing Ali, "Are you a, a Queen?" Ali smiles politely, denying this. "No, I am but a mere Princess. My, um, husband, however, he has abandoned our palace and made himself a self-proclaimed King. It's a... rather complicated story. I won't bore you with the details." Rena, himself also captivated by the woman's immense beauty, tells her, "Well, for what it's worth... you're too kind and too beautiful, and... any man, King or not, would be foolish to leave you. And I extend my sympathy to you over the fact that he did." Ali is touched by his kindness, blushed by his compliments, and surprised by the refined way he talks. The Dog is surprised too. "I try not to take it personally, for I understand now I just wasn't... the kind of person he could ever truly fall in love with. You see, he is a homosexual." Rena doesn't know how to respond to this, and the Dog jumps in, telling him, "They call him the Evil Queer..." Elsewhere, a pair of feet wearing fashionable royal shoes makes its way through the golden halls of a castle in the neighboring kingdom. The Evil Queer, the aforementioned self-proclaimed King, a renowned homosexual who has a wicked case of the gay face, walks with anger in his eyes. A scorned man, bullied by life, the Evil Queer heads towards his golden throne and there he sits, and immediately his loyal Imp, a tiny, disfigured and relatively goofy creature who serves as a lackey to his master, asks him if he needs anything. The Queer states that he is fine, for the time being, as he attempts to feign a deeper tone for his voice, to little avail. The Imp then reveals that his plan is coming along greatly, and the alchemists and wizards the Queer has locked up in his dungeons have been working day and night to achieve his goal... to create the Curse. The Queer smiles wickedly as he hears this. "In the meantime, Your Highness, we have captured a robber, someone who attempted to steal from your vault of riches." "Bring him to me!!" the Queer shouts. Immediately, two golden knights burst into the crown room, dragging a young man made of wood by his arms. "Now, now... what sort of fantastic creature might you be?" the Queer asks, surprised by his appearance. The creature doesn't respond right away, and the Queer launches a look at the knights, which prompts one of them to hit the young man in the back of the head. He cringes with pain, and the Queer tells him he won't repeat the question. "I-I am Pornocchio, Sir..." the creature says, "I was fashioned by my father from the wood of an embiggened tree, and given life by the Boob Fairy." The Queer seems annoyed to hear the woman's name. "You tried to steal from me. Is it because you are... dumb as a block of wood?" The Imp, knights and everyone in attendance laugh, practically squealing, at the Queer's attempt at a joke. The Queer grins with approval, and then commands at them to stop. Everyone instantly stops laughing. Pornocchio just looks desperate. "Please, Your Majesty," he begs, "My father, my maker, he is sick! I only stole because I need to buy a cure for what ails him." The Queer isn't fazed. "Your problems bore me. Throw him in the dungeons. He is to be executed at the next hanging ceremony, three days from now. That is all." The black knights immediately drag Pornocchio, kicking and screaming, out of the room. The Queer then looks bored. "Bringeth me my toy, Imp, to my chamber." "Absolutely, sir." The Imp leaves the room. Minutes later, the Evil Queer is disrobed by his loyal lackeys inside his chamber, and the Imp appears, accompanied by a tall and astonishingly handsome bearded man, who is more muscle than brain, and the Imp tells his beloved master the Fucksman is ready. "Thank you, Imp. You all may leave us." Everyone but the Queer and Fucksman leave the room. "Well, now. Disrobe." The Fucksman starts to tear up as he proceeds to remove all of his garments. "Now, now, what is the point of tears? I swear to God, I do not understand how one can even cry after their heart has been ripped from their chest." "You promised me I would get my heart back if I made love to you," the Fucksman says. "Oh, darling..." the Queer says, snidely, before chuckling and continuing, "You make it seem as though we made a deal. I took your heart. That means I control you now. And you, my handsome, handsome friend... are my toy. Now... put yourself inside of me." The Queer gets on all-fours on top of the bed and the Fucksman cries as he proceeds to force an erection and enter His Majesty. "Oh that hurts so good..." the Queer says. At Cinderali's palace, Rena Charming has been directed to one of the royal bathrooms, and instructed to take a hot bath and prepare for dinner. He gets into the shower, and is surprised at how much it resembles the ones from his realm. He would figure in the olden days, which these lands seem to be frozen in, there would only be either large bathtubs or vats where people would bathe together in water that was heated over some stove. He guessed at that, anyway. But there he was, inside a shower booth, turning on a handle and allowing the warm water to pour over him. He closes his eyes and feels the water running over his wounds. In a flashback, a young Rena Charming, in middle school, is seen showering in the locker room after the very first class of P.E. Alone in the shower area, he turns on the water and washes himself without a care in the world. That is, until his male classmates join him in the shower. For the first time they see it. And... "Hey look at Rena's dick!!" "Oh my God what is that thing, is it a corkscrew?!" "Hey Rena you open many bottles with that thing?!" Rena starts crying and begging them not to make fun of it, but the 10 or so boys continually point at him and mock him, and Rena backs himself against the wall of the shower area, covering his privates and sliding down to the floor, then just sitting there with his face buried over his knees, crying, as his colleagues all tease him about his odd penis. Rena is so caught up in his reinvigorating shower and in these painful memories that he doesn't notice it when Cinderali enters the bathroom, bringing with her some towels. She gasps when she sees him fully naked and uncovered. Rena opens his eyes at the sound of her gasp and quickly covers his genitals with his hands again, as she takes one hand to her chest. "Oh my God..." Rena asks what she is doing there, why she didn't knock or anything. Ali claims she just wanted to bring him some towels, for him to dry himself, and she thought by now he would have finished showering. "Your... your penis..." she says. Rena becomes frustrated. "Yes, yes, I know, okay?! I have a weird dick! Go on, mock it!" "You have the Vorpal Penis..." she says, with amazement in her eyes. Rena is confused. "Um... come again?" "I... you..." Ali tries to rewind, "The Boob Fairy told us that, that my husband plans to cast a Curse on this realm. A deadly Curse. And she said, she told us of a prophecy that, that a young, handsome man blessed with the Vorpal Penis, a twisted, bendy instrument of Good, would be able to save all of us. You... you have that. You're our Savior." Rena is completely befuddled. "I... I'm not... I don't know what you're talking about. I'm not a savior." "Yes, you are," Ali assures him, "Because of you, our land will be saved from eternal damnation. You have to help us," she insists, "Your penis is our only hope." 'Act III' Soon enough, Rena, the princess and the Dog are sitting around a large round table, in the assembly room. "I still don't understand what this is about," Rena asks. Cinderali starts to explain to him what must have happened: the prophecy was fulfilled somehow already, to an extent, in the sense that magic brought him there from wherever he was before, a land usually untouched by magic. Somehow, something brought him there to fulfill his destiny and save their land. Rena recounts that he had an encounter with an odd tiny creature in the woods who told him he had brought him there. The Dog asks him what this creature looked like, and when Rena answers, the Dog and princess deduce that it must have been Rumpleforeskin. The name sounds familiar to Rena. "You mean Rumplestiltskin?" "No, Rumpleforeskin. He is the Dark One, the most powerful and dangerous creature in all the realms." "I thought that was the Queer guy," Rena reminds them, to which Ali explains that the King possesses minimal magical powers, but the curse he intends to cast will have such devastating effects that he might, in fact, surpass the Dark One in power. Rena asks why Rumple doesn't just defeat the Queer as it is right away, when he is still the most powerful, to which Ali shrugs her shoulders. "Somehow, he can't, I suppose. He must know that you're the key to our salvation, so he brought you forth to fight for us." Rena says he's not a fighter, he's never been involved in anything of the sort before. Ali tells him she understands, but he is involved now, and there is no way out: fate is fate. Rena stands up, frustrated, and walks away from the table. The Dog follows after him. "Hey, dude, calm down, don't stress over this." "How can I not?!" Rena lashes out, "I am talking to a big talking dog! What has happened to my life?! And by the way the name is Rumplestiltskin, it's always been Rumplestiltskin, so what the fuck?" Rena starts pinching himself and squawking at the pain, and the Dog just chuckles lightly at this. "It's not a dream, this is your new reality now. I'm sorry if it's a big adjustment. But look, here's the thing, you don't have to be afraid of taking on anything here, cos... you heard the princess. Because of you, everyone will be saved. So... whatever happens, you're gonna come out fine. Like she said, fate is fate." Rena lets this sink in for a while. Then he asks, "Who are you, by the way?" The Dog takes some seconds to answer, and then says, "Well... I don't actually have a name, but... they refer to me as Big Bad Dog." Rena looks stupefied. "Bit of a misnomer, I would say," the Dog adds. Then, to everyone's surprise, a large cloud of grey smoke appears from nowhere and from it appears the small-statured creature that taunted Rena in the woods earlier. "It's him!" Rena says. "Rumpleforeskin..." the Dog says, through his teeth. "Hello dearies..." A maniacal squeal ensues. Pornocchio kicks a small pebble around inside his cell, and then surprisingly lunges himself at the bars, and screams with all the force he has inside of him. "That won't do you any good," a sweet female voice is heard saying. "What the... who's there?" he looks around, facing the adjacent cell, and from the shadows emerges a beautiful young woman, wearing a pink tutu and ballerina slippers. He hadn't seen her before. "Don't be frightened," she tells him, "I am but another prisoner. What is your name?" Her voice is very sweet and warm. He introduces himself as Pornocchio, as he becomes fascinated by her alluring beauty and demeanor. "Hello, Pornocchio," she says, "I wish I had a proper name to give to you. As it is, I am just a Ballserina." They smile at each other. "Rumpleforeskin!" Cinderali says, as she stands up from the table and joins her two companions, "What brings you here?" "Why, the man I brought here, of course," the mythical creature answers, "I figured it was high time to see what this young man can, in fact, do." Rena, somewhat frightened, asks what he means, and Rumple says he will soon see. He poofs up another cloud of grey smoke by his side, and from it appears a tall, brutish creature, wearing all black, with a scar over his left eye, long hair. At some point he might have possessed humane features, but now he was a disfigured mass of muscle and bloodlust. "This, my friend, is what is known as a Behemoth. Deadly, deadly creature. You must kill him, before it kills you." Rena's eyes grow wide as he looks at the grotesque man with horror. Ali and the Dog are too horrified. "Now... let the fun begin!" The Behemoth growls and lunges itself at Rena, with no weapons of any kind, just his closed fists. Rena receives a massive punch to the face and is sent flying across the chamber, leading Ali to scream. Rena tries to get back on his feet as the Behemoth just growls again. Blow White enters the room, attracted by the commotion, and asks what is going on. When she sees the horrifying, disgusting, deadly man growling, she screams with horror and then says, "Dibs!" The Dog jumps up at the Behemoth from behind just as he is about to attack Rena again, and starts chewing on the back of his neck. "Nah-ah-ah!!" Rumple says, "No help!" With one flicker of his right hand, the Dog is sent flying from the Behemoth's back to the other side of the room. The beast is infuriated as he bleeds from his neck. He sees Ali cowering up against a bookcase, crying, and moves toward her, unaware of who his true target is. Rena gets on his knees as he hears Ali's cries for help, as the beast moves in closer. He is filled with terror as he sees the tears streaming down the beautiful woman's face. Then he is surprised to feel the oddest thing growing within him: an erection... Ali begs for mercy, to no avail as the beast clearly does not understand it, and the Behemoth puts his large hands around her neck and starts choking her. Without being seen, Rena immediately jumps up, runs towards them, jumps on the bookcase, and shouts, "Hey, you bastard! Squeeze this instead!!" Rena drops his trousers as the beast looks in his direction, and jabs his erect and still twisted penis into the beast's right eye socket, drilling through his skull and coming out through the back of his head. Rena is surprised at this. He removes himself from inside the beast, and it falls dead on the floor. Ali and the Dog are shocked. Blow is impressed and horny. "W-what just happened?" Ali asks. "I, I don't know," Rena said, "I didn't think, I... I just acted." They all hear Rumpleforeskin clapping his hands. "Very well," he says, "I am impressed. Bravah! You do have the survival instinct, and the drive of the hero, inside of you. Your penis, my son... well, it is capable of destroying even the darkest of evil. That is why it drilled through the beast's skull as easily as a knife enters a block of butter. Kudos! We shall be seeing each other from time to time." This said, the magical creature disappears in yet another cloud of grey smoke. Rena buckles up his pants, now limp again. The Dog looks at the dead beast on the floor and says, "I'm not proud of this, but... I have to eat some of that." Ali looks at Rena, drying her tears with her eyes, and smiles. The Evil Queer is seen making his way through the golden halls of his castle again, walking fast, followed by his loyal Imp and other lackeys. They enter a golden chamber that is guarded by two golden knights, who unlock the door for His Highness to enter. Inside the chamber is a large golden cell, wherein King Midass, the rightful king of that castle, can be found. "Hello, father..." the Queer says. Midass looks irritated, as he lies on his bed inside the cell, looking ill. "Why do you still come and see me?..." Midass asks, "I do not wish to see you." "Well, I am sorry indeed, but I believe fathers and sons should share some special time together every now and then." "You are not my son..." Midass says, "You are nothing but... a disgusting... filthy... evil faggot." The Queer is hurt. "Ouch," he says, as he takes one hand to his chest sarcastically. "Do you think it wise to criticize me when you are in such precarious conditions, father?" Midass tells him, with weakness, "You could have me lie on a bed of spikes and I would still not give you the acceptance you seek." "I do not need you to, father," the Queer says, from the other side of the bars, "I am working on something. I have big, big plans. And once I am done, well... I won't need to seek your approval anymore. I will just have it. You... will be just like me." The Queer grins wickedly and turns his back on his imprisoned father, leaving and being followed by his subjects. The Queer makes his way to a golden balcony and looks down at the population below. The Imp appears behind him and informs him that the prospect is good, the wizards and alchemists have reached yet another breakthrough. The Queer tells the Imp the details can wait, for now he just wants to think for a moment. "You will get everything you want, Your Majesty," the Imp says, to comfort him. "I know," the Queer says, "I am not worried." He looks down at the men and women below him, going about their lives, and adds, "I will cast this curse... When I do, all of the women will die... all but one of them... and all of the men... will be gay." He grins with pride, and concludes, "And the Fairy Tale Land everyone knows and loves... will become Faggy Tail Land!!" He laughs maniacally, being mimicked by his Imp, and then retreats to his crown room. Rena sits on the gardens of the princess' palace, on a bench, and thinks about everything that has happened. Ali shows up behind him, holding a book of fairytales, and sits down beside him. "I understand that... that you come from a land where our stories are widely known, albeit in... slightly tweaked versions." "I would say these right here are the tweaked versions," Rena tells her, before chuckling nervously. "Well, in any case, my men found this in the woods, where you, apparently, appeared the first time." She hands him the book and Rena recognizes it as the book of fairytales he always had. "I thought you might want it back," she says. Rena opens the book. "You know," she tells him, "What you did today was very impressive." "I just... never thought that... my... instrument... was in any way special. I was mocked about it my whole life. People said it was weird, they would tell me it was ugly, and..." Ali puts one hand over his leg and tells him, innocently, "Your penis is beautiful." They smile at each other, endearingly. Ali then gets up, and he makes her stop, saying, "Wait! I... All through this, you never even told me your name." She smiles as she turns back to him and says, "Alison. Or, Ali. But... well, since we're sharing stories of teasing... My whole life I have been called Cinderali." Something awakens inside of Rena. He nods. She leaves. And then he opens the book. In a flashback, Rena is seen running, running, as though he runs for his life. Barefoot and wearing nothing but a white robe, holding the fairytale book in tow, he runs and runs through the darkest streets of his town, crying and panting. He finally stops and cowers in the corner of some abandoned warehouse he's gotten himself into. He slides down against a wall and grabs his cherished fairytale book with vigor. And he mutters to himself, as he cries, "I... I... I wish..." Suddenly a flash of bright light appears. And Rena disappears. Rena skims through the pages of the fairytale book, and stops on the story of "Cinderella". One he's read many times before. And he looks up from the book, at the Embiggened Forest surrounding him. And he smiles... Unanswered Questions *'Why and how did Rumple bring Rena to the Fairy Tale Land?' *'Why does Granny Fanny hate the Big Bad Dog?' *'Why was Rena running for his life in flashbacks?'